How i wish i was you.

Her exsistance

2006-07-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

She said why is thie razor on my wrist?
Why are you the reason I exsist?

She said without you i'm gone
Wtih a yawn
She sits alone
In her home

She said It's not fair
I tought we were a perfect pair.

Thinking of you
is all she can do

In a perfect world it's only me and you.

asjlkf

2006-07-10T19:11:00.000-07:00

I'M NOT WRITING HOW I WISH I WAS. I'M GOING TO STOP FOR A WHILE AND WRTIE IN A JOURNAL TO PRACTICE THE WAY I WOULD LIKE TO SEE MYSELF WRITING.

IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.
BUT KEEP CHECKING BACK.

Why do i look in the mirror when what i see only causes pain?

2006-07-10T18:54:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here watching shallow hal and stupidly wishing it was real. How could i think this would ever happen. I wouldn't want him to think i was beautiful/skinny not knowing i'm really not, i want the end to be real. He realizes what's on the inside and doesn't care about the outside. Why are men such selfesh pigs? Why can't they understand how amazing we are on the inside? Why do we even bother with them? Why do i even bother trying to look good for them, or trying to impress them.

I live in a fantasy that i will find that someone and we will be together forever. But in real life that will never happen, not for me at least.

Almost giving up on trying.

2006-07-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

I'm missing what i used to love and i dont know why, its not really who i am anymore. But im scared to be who i am and i'm scared to be who i used to be. I want to be what i never can be.

I change a lot to see who i really am, and i wonder if people think that i'm fake because i'm trying to find the real me and i change to find that place. Or maybe everyone just doesn't even bother/want to get to know me, maybe i dont know me. I've tried for 3 years to change and find who i am, if i still dont know who i really am, then how do i find out and when will i find the real me?

Maybe i was ment to be nothing.

This is the end.

2006-07-08T19:54:00.000-07:00

I hate it when people have what i want right in front of them, then they turn it down. It makes me feel worthless that god gave them what they don't want but what i want and i can never get. I wish i could just run away to a world where everything is better, better than this place. The total opposite of here.

I find myself pulling away from a place that makes me happy, and i don't know why. I was there everyday for hours on end, i still go there but i don't get why i don't stay, do i just want to not be happy?

This is what i don't get. You have to believe in god to make him help you. I ask for help all the time but nothing ever happens. If he never helps me how am i supposed to believe that he's real?

* I'm not happy with my entries latly, advice?

Sometimes i cant wait to be forgotten.

2006-07-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

It seems like that is what everyone wants.
Why are people to fast to judge people they don't know?
I don't care one bit about any of the peices of shit in my school.
Because they don't deserve it.
I'm glad i'm out, but why?
So i can go back there in 2 months and go through it all over again?
It's not worth it, is that why i just don't care and get bad grades?
I know im smart, i know i can do math, by this blog and my friends i know i can write.
I find myself posting here at least 3 times a day.
Or maybe it's just me living a fantasy i wish was real.
Maybe you are reading this saying how bad my writing is.
Or maybe you are laughing because you THINK im "emo".
I'm really not but so what if i am, my writing just has a lot of what i want people to know but i just can't tell them in it.
To me "emo" isn't a word i respect everyone and i dont seperate labels.

Who ever you are and who ever you want to be, is ok with me.

Last thought; When people say something about someone else but in a way it fits you, don't you wonder what they say/think about you?

What i hate the most, is what i love the most.

2006-07-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

I was reading someone elses blog today and i realized how much we have in common, we're the total same on the inside, but totally different on the outside.

So why do i wish i was her?

"I wish i could put up an away message in real life and just go to sleep forever."

2006-07-07T07:26:00.000-07:00

^ His words make me weak, how does he do it?
Title (Peter Wentz)

I'm sorry she's not what you want.
I'm sorry she doesn't make everyone proud.
I'm sorry she's not what he wants.

Empty walls is an empty soul.
Is this why im not an empty soul?
I have personlality, maybe not the kind i would like.
I try to change myself everyday, because i find my own self annoying.
But i guess you can't change who you really are.
It's a shame.
I'm not a mean person, it's just some things i do.
The bad grades
The annoying laugh
The habbits
The fake smile
What is who i am/was isn't who i want to be.

They say music heals people.
But how is that when every one says "emo" is caused my the lyrics we listen to.

I find all the lyrics i listen to helpful, to help get through hard times.
I havent really expreianced that one hard time that music helped me, i just found who i really am with music. It helps me get by, with life.

*I'm sorry for all my typos and spelling mistakes.
*Im just starting to write to bare with me please.

You will never know.

2006-07-06T19:36:00.000-07:00

You'll never know how it feels, to be me. The feelings i feel, the things i know/do. But you still laugh in my face and behind my back. While i'm stuck in the corner asking why are looks everything? Why doesn't anyone like me? Is the entire world just filled with inconsiderate assholes?

I tell my self that i will find that someone when i time is right, but i always find my self crying in my bed at 12am, asking why me? Why do you hate me? I always say that i have people up in heaven that used to love me, but why aren't they helping me now? Is heaven even real? Is that why i feel no help from passed on loved ones?

We'll just have to find out.